i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
