She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
As shirtless as possible
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize