i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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