I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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