I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
