life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
