A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You're a disaster
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