I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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