my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize