Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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