I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm both gender and math confused
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i out mim tonsoeep
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