I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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