she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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