I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
