so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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