this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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