1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
