I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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