We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
