Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
