it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
