Im at strip club and am horny
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
