I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize