the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
