He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
