I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
