Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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