There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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