did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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