Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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