Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
BRING THE BAGELS
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
