Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
