If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
50% drunk capacity currently
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
