Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
