Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
