He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
