Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
