Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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