guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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