if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think I am morally bankrupt
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
