This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
