This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
