I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
