Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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