and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Houston, we have a blender
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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