i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
