I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Mom said you looked used
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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