she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
