i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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