saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
