i don't like sucking hair
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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