It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
