this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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