Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I die, sorry about rent.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
