Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
