keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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