Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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