You made me cry and you don't even care
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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